A Reflection on Home

Average reading time: 4-5 minutes
Word count: 777

Last August, I wrote about how my view and aspirations for “home” are affected by being aromantic and an immigrant. With this month’s Carnival of Aros on “House and Home“, it’s a good time to reflect on this again.

Since last year, I have moved and am in the process of planning to move yet again in a couple of months, so home is definitely on my mind. As I had written earlier, being aromantic (and an immigrant) impacts my ideas and aspirations for home and my journey on finding home. For a while, I had struggled with finding what I wanted, but recently, something that I was starting to think was nearly impossible happened. A close friend of mine, who is also the only aspec person I know in real life, agreed to living with me! While we won’t exactly have a partnership, we do plan on cohabitating and sharing our lives together long-term. I lived on my own for a while, and during that time, I realized that sharing is what makes something a “home” to me. We haven’t started living together yet, but I feel a lot more settled and content knowing that this is in my near future. I will be able to find home.

This will also be the first time that I get to properly plan my own housing, and I’m looking forward to now be able to pick out my own furniture, household items, and so forth. With my aromanticism and my introvertedness/low social energy, having my own space and opportunity for solitude are important for my well-being and affect my living preferences. For example, I’ll definitely be needing my own bedroom. I also am not a fan of the open floor plan haha. Sometimes I want to be able to go about my daily activities without being perceived.

My idea of home is also influenced by my Latine upbringing, in which it’s more common for a household to include extended family and there is more of a family-centric culture (familism). I can’t deny that family is important to me. My aromanticism impacts my view on what a family is, though, as it does for many other aros. The “found family” trope is a popular one amongst us aros. This combination of my aro identity and cultural background in turn also shapes my ideal living situation.

While I would need my own space, I’d also love to live with a group of friends or live in the same neighborhood as them. In a way, this follows an extended family concept as this would include the partners and any potential children of my friends. In my dream world, we’d live on the same plot of land or in a big house with our own living spaces as well communal spaces. That way we can have our privacy and space while being close to each other, enabling us to share not only our daily lives but also food, supplies, and so forth.

Many aros, including myself, have experienced how the current housing system in many places limits the availability of housing options. It’s an issue not only limited to aromanticism and ties into singlism as well, but housing is a prominent concern within the aro community. While I was living alone, I was limited by my income (sometimes I could afford the monthly rental but many rental spaces require a minimum income, which I often couldn’t meet). Now that I’ll be looking for a place with a friend, I have some more options, but there are many places that have “house sharing” restrictions. It’s very possible that my friend and I would have to pretend to be a romantic couple in order to get housing because two friends living together would be considered “house sharing”. This also restricts any future of sharing housing with more friends, so buying a home would be my only option to pursue that, which is nearly impossible at the moment.

Access to housing is a human right that affects everyone, but I think this is also an issue important for aromantic activism and advocacy. I also think that an aromantic praxis could be useful in expanding options to accommodate a greater diversity of living situations. Considering that many aros don’t have partners, we’re often having to look for other sources of support. I’m interested in how engaging in caring relationships outside of the romantic couple and nuclear family could extend the idea of what a household is and how this could impact how we design houses, apartments, and other living spaces. Perhaps one day we’ll get to see aro activism having a substantial impact on housing policy!

Well-being and Amatonormativity: Round-up (Carnival of Aros, August 2021)

Word count: 362
Reading time: Approximately 2 minutes
This does not include the individual submissions.

For this month’s Carnival of Aros, the theme was on Well-being and Amatonormativity. The call for submissions can be found here. Participants touched on a range of different aspects of this with some writing about the adverse consequences of amatonormativity on well-being and others writing about how they handle the effects of amatonormativity. I hope the community can find some comfort in these relatable experiences and perhaps find some inspiration. Thank you to everyone who participated!

You can find the list of submissions below.

Michelle at Quiet ‘n’ Queer wrote about the difficulty of being yourself in the face of amatonormativity and having to hide who you are.

Mike examined the effect of continuously being asked if he’s lonely on himself and how the idea that single people are lonely impacts his ability to seek out support.  

thinking-aromanticism addressed how not everyone, including alloromantic, buys into amatonormative norms and how it can be comforting to realize this. It asks, “Do allos really think that?” Potentially not!  

Frawley wrote about the harmful effects of amatonormativity on their mental health before they realized they were aro and about their process of healing from that after embracing their aro identity.

L. E. Jeffreys (1, 2, 3) expressed how amatonormativity shows up in friendship and life through a series of touching poems.

CharCharChar demonstrated how they deal with amatonormativity by writing drabbles that that explore non-amatonormative relationships.

The Song System examined how the Aromantic Manifesto prompted her to think about the relationship between amatonormativity and a fear of undesirability (leading to the coining of a new term!) as well as how we can harness the power of language to create change.

Elin wrote about her experience of learning about aromanticism and the ubiquity of amatonormativity, especially in music, which she combats by giving new meanings to and rewriting songs about romance.

Artemis addressed how learning about amatonormativity helped her embrace and process her aromanticism by “flipping the script” and giving her something to challenge.  

gracesofluck expressed her difficulties of living in an amatonormative society and how participating in the aro community has helped eir confront and be resilient in the face of amatonormativity.   

Cross-posted on Tumblr.

Language and the Aromantic Manifesto (Guest Post by The Song System- Carnival of Aros, August 2021)

Submitted by The Song System for the Well-being and Amatonormativity Carnival of Aros theme.

One of my favorite modern thinkers, Terence McKenna, said that language is the battleground of culture, and we can see this in the words evolved by and associated with the various social justice movements of the last couple of centuries: gender equality (misogyny, feminist, mansplaining,…); freedom of sexual expression (gay, lesbian, queer, twink, bear, butch,…); freedom of gender expression (transgender, non-binary, gender confirmation surgery, TERF,…). The debate over marriage equality is actually an argument over whether the meaning of the word “marriage” is owned by cultural conservatives or progressives. TERFs don’t want trans women to be included in the definition of “woman”. Microlabels and the dismissal they often receive are an important part of this fight too. By challenging the accepted and often inadequate language we’ve inherited, we open up new perspectives for ourselves and those who can relate, allowing us to further join together. Conservative forces can attempt to influence meaning too, of course (the backlash against feminism in the ‘80s and ‘90s being a particularly memorable example of this for me). But as a fundamentally defensive position, their worst insinuations as to what progressive terms mean can be dispersed over time, as long as rationality prevails, and the worst insults they can come up with reclaimed as badges of pride.

I was recently floored by the Aromantic Manifesto by Yingchen and Yingtong. This flooring was partly my own fault – I left reading it until the last minute before an online discussion, and its depth and the quality of conversation it prompted ended up being more personal than I expected. I consider myself a politically astute person already – being aware of the social climate and various debates going on around trans issues has helped me a great deal in my transition, and I’ve been applying the same approach to understanding being aromantic too. So much of my own and others’s social behavior is explained to me by amatonormativity and the disconnect I feel from it. However, the Aromantic Manifesto takes this to a whole other level, challenging us to think about the social discrimination that masquerades as innate and natural romantic preference; the inherent queerphobia of romance, despite struggles for freedom of sexuality often being framed as the “right to love”; the hierarchies that the social pressure to replicate a romantic ideal creates within society but also within ourselves. In short, this is the politics of desirability (YouTuber Khadija Mbowe has done some great analysis here, specifically of how it relates to black women rappers rather than from an aro perspective though). In the same way that the existence of sexual minorities reveal a deep bias in mainstream culture’s way of thinking about and policing sex, so too does aromanticism reveal something very dark and controlling about the way that emotional intimacy is regulated. In fact, the challenge that out and proud aromantic people present to mainstream culture may be even greater and more fundamental than previous ones from other minority identities.

By its own admission, the Aromantic Manifesto isn’t perfect. Personally, I feel that it stresses social conditioning over genuine natural impulse (as I see it, the romantic urge is a real thing for many people, but it’s been exploited and distorted by cisheteronormativity to enforce unhealthy ideals). It’s also quite abstract, and I’d like to address that by proposing that we start creating more language that allows aromantic perspectives to make greater headway into mainstream culture.

At the very heart of romantic hierarchy – and the discrimination against those that must be deemed less worthy in order for it to exist – is the fear of loosing one’s perceived place within that hierarchy. Not knowing a name for this fear, despite having observed it as a huge influence on a great many people’s identities and motivations, I decided to create one with the help of gracesofluck, who was also at the discussion of the Manifesto. Pulling up an English to Greek translator, combining “desirability” with the noun “loss” or the verb “lose” gave ptosiepithymitophobia and chanoepithymitophobia respectively – the fear of loosing desirability. These don’t exactly dance off the tongue though. Gracesofluck solved this problem somewhat by using a negative – anepithymitophobia, the fear of undesirability. This works wonderfully, because the undesirability being feared could be one’s own, as threatened by a hierarchy, or that of someone else as taught by a hierarchy to avoid association with, leading to discriminatory behavior.

To my mind, anepithymitophobia needs to be pointed out and widely recognized for us to live in an equitable society. Not to say that people can’t desire, but rather to allow us to explore intimate emotional connection, whether romantic or otherwise, free of pressure from outside forces that would exploit our need for intimacy and social validation to achieve their own divisive ends. This is about greater personal self-awareness, not greater control. And about living with less fear, particularly of ostracism for whatever choices one might make in the pursuit of happiness. Maybe the vocabulary presented here will help – perhaps we could abbreviate it to aephobia, or stick with “fear of undesirability” to avoid Eurocentrism. But in both the wider cultural struggle against amatonormativity and individually as aromantic people in a culture which would exclude us without a second thought, the more descriptive we can be, the more power we have. Let’s not shy away from making language our playground, and a tool to prompt much-needed change.

Follow The Song System on YouTube.

Well-being and Amatonormativity (Carnival of Aros, August 2021)

Word count: 713 words
Reading time: Approximately 3-4 minutes
Content warning: Amatonormativity

Being aromantic, I feel intimately acquainted with the negative consequences of amatonormativity. Especially over the past year, I’ve been doing a deep dive into amatonormativity in order to better understand it and its impacts on society. The struggles of being aromantic can sometimes be dismissed or belittled or be used to pathologize aromanticism. This is why I find it important to name systems of oppression when discussing the experiences of aromanticism that are not so positive. I get frustrated when I see facts on queer mental health that demonstrate high rates of mental disorders but don’t contextualize them by explicitly naming the systems of oppression that contribute to these struggles.

Equipped with this knowledge, I have come to realize how many of my own struggles are rooted in amatonormativity. Especially as an adult when we are expected to be getting into committed romantic relationships and married, I find the negative impacts of amatonormativity very hard to avoid. It’s so pervasive, but I feel invisible when many around me just don’t see it (or don’t see it as a problem). It feels like shouting into the void sometimes. Amatonormativity has a toll on my physical, social, emotional, and existential well-being, which culminates in struggles with mental health. Making friends as an adult is already challenging, but it’s frustrating that whenever I try to make friends, I have to worry about whether or not they’re amatonormative (most likely they are to some degree) and if they’ll end up hurting me if so- whether intentionally or unintentionally. I have to contend with the fact that people I care so deeply about might end up so willingly giving me up because of their romantic partners. It feels utterly dehumanizing and devaluing, as if I’m not worth it because I’m “just a friend.” Getting my needs met is also a challenge, especially when much of society deems that those needs should be met in a romantic partnership. It is difficult to live day in and day out and cope with stressors when a lot of my needs aren’t met. Healing is relational (for me, at least), but healing can be prevented when attempts at relating to others is often disrupted by amatonormativity. I shouldn’t have to be able to “love” in order to have my needs met or to be cared for. Planning a future and looking ahead feels bleak at times as I wonder whether I will just continue to be in this same situation. Many things I want for my life feel unreachable.

Given all this, how do we create lives we’re content with? How do we take care of ourselves? I admit that I sometimes feel a bit defeatist because of amatonormativity. It’s the dark cloud that hangs over me and impedes my thriving. As I try to build the life I want, it’s the torrential rain that tries to sweep away the seeds I sow. Despite the storm, I press onward and continue to hope for the best. One positive aspect of learning about amatonormativity, is that it actually helped me embrace my aromanticism. Before then, I wondered if I was a little broken, but afterwards I knew that it’s not me that is broken but society. Aromanticism for me is not just an orientation but it has also become a praxis for me, one that redefines how to relate to and care for others. This has helped me to become involved and active in challenging amatonormativity. For me, mitigating the negative impacts of amatonormativity isn’t just self-care but also doing things in a community. Participating in the aromantic community helps to reduce the negative impacts of being aromantic in a romance-focused society. My struggles feel less invisible, and it’s reassuring to know that there are people out there who relate. Enacting change also requires collective action and seeing the efforts that this community puts into advocacy and education and increasing visibility is inspiring and gives me hope. Amatonormativity is a force that threatens to take away our well-being, but we continue to create art, connections, knowledge, dreams, community. This is our resilience. We live in defiance of amatonormativity. Our very existence as aromantics in the face of amatonormativity is radical. Even if it’s hard and heartbreaking at times, I will continue daring to dream.

Cross-posted on Tumblr

Well-being and Amatonormativity: Call for Submissions (Carnival of Aros, August 2021)

Word count: 408 words
Reading time: Approximately 2-3 minutes
Content warning: Amatonormativity

The Carnival of Aros is a monthly blogging carnival with themes related to aromantic and aro-spec identities and experiences. More information can be found here.

Theme

As a mental health researcher, I find it important to gain more insight into the well-being of aromantics and the potential relationship with amatonormativity. Being aromantic can be a wonderful experience, but larger societal systems and standards can create barriers and issues for many of us.

Amatonormativity is pervasive and can potentially prevent folks from living their full lives. While this affects everyone (even alloromantics), aromantics can be particularly affected by amatonormativity. It can impact us in numerous ways, from making it difficult for us to have fulfilling relationships to preventing us from being able to afford housing. From a survey of about 1,000 aro-spec respondents, 72% felt that it had a negative impact on their mental health. How much of an impact does amatonormativity have on your well-being?

Prompts

• Generally, does amatonormativity have a negative impact on your life, especially as an aromantic person?
• How much of an impact does amatonormativity have on your mental health, specifically?
• Do you feel that amatonormativity impedes you from getting your needs met in any way?
• Which areas of your life are impacted the most by amatonormativity? 
• Does or did amatonormativity have an effect on you coming to terms/accepting your aromanticism? Does it or has it had an impact on you coming out?
• How does amatonormativity affect your a) present situation and b) future outlook?
• What are some things you do to mitigate the impact of amatonormativity on yourself, such as with self-care practices?
• How do you live your best life despite the challenges of amatonormativity?

How to Participate

Write a blog post or create content related to the theme- any platform is acceptable as long as it is public and has a link. Then, submit the link to me by commenting on this post or through email (gracesofluck@gmail.com). If you don’t have a place to post your own work, you can email it to me, and I will host it for you on my Tumblr. If you would like me to include particular pronouns or (user)names/social media handle with your submission post in the round-up, please let me know.

Deadline and Round-up

Please submit your posts by Tuesday, August 31^st. I plan to release the round-up by Saturday, September 4^th.

If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me!

Cross-posted on Tumblr.

Education (Carnival of Aros, July 2021)

This month’s Carnival of Aro is on Education. It was nice to reflect on my experiences in school as an aromantic and the role that education plays in the community.

Word count: 728

Reading time: Approximately 3-4 minutes

Seeing as I’m in my third year of a PhD (and therefore in my 20^th year of formal education), education is certainly a fundamental part of my life and daily experience. As an aro, middle and high school were rather alienating at times. I remember one time in orchestra we were told to play like we were in love. Another time in a class, a teacher asked us to raise our hands if we had ever been in love so that he could relate that feeling to the experience of addiction. I felt out of place as my classmates and friends were becoming obsessed with getting a romantic partner. Whenever we had to read books in my literature classes, I dreaded the thought of the mandatory reading containing romance. Sex education was basically non-existent where I grew up, but it was definitely super heteronormative and very abstinence-focused, so of course it was all “when you get married…” I definitely felt different, but at the time, I thought I was simply mature for not going “boy crazy.”

I wish that I would have learned about aromanticism when I was younger as it would have explained a lot and made things clearer earlier on. I first came across the term aromantic in my late teens but there was so little information available that I dismissed it. I then came across asexuality in an elective course I took in college. While I no longer identify with asexuality, it’s what brought me back to aromanticism. I think about how my life might be different if I didn’t take that one random course for fun. I would have found aromanticism eventually, but how much longer would it have taken? I learned a lot in the course in terms of course content but also about myself.

Education doesn’t have to only occur in formal educational settings, however. This is especially true of education on aromantic issues. I’ve been realizing the importance of knowledge and education outside of formal institutions. We are all knowledge-makers. There’s a lack of academic research or knowledge on aromanticism, which is a shame. At the same time, the aromantic community has produced so much knowledge through the community. Tumblr was my primary source of learning about aromantic topics. Reading about people’s experiences has been instrumental. It’s great that there are basic informative materials, but being able to see real-life examples as expressed through personal experiences was so helpful because it makes ground informative materials in reality. Information from aro 101 pamphlets are brought to life by the posts of people explaining what their aromanticism means to them. It’s also wonderful how folks will just create surveys. It may not be academic research, but it gives us a lot of important information nonetheless. We are creating our own records and history by posting about our experiences, creating resources and infographics, and conducting community surveys.

There are still many more resources we need. I wish there were more formal educational resources on the societal/systematic impact on aromantics. Learning that it’s society that has issues (read: amatonormativity) rather than me helped me in embracing my aromanticism. Having such resources could be so helpful for someone who is questioning or has newly identified as aromantic. I also think it’s important for helping folks outside the community understand our struggles. We also need more educational resources that are intersectional. Information on the intersection between aspects like neurodivergence or racism and aromanticism are important as they capture the nuances of the lived experiences of many aros.

Inspired by all the education and resources that other aromantic folks create, I’ve also started creating my own educational resources. One I’m really proud of is my “Challenging Amatonormativity” guide, which teaches about amatonormativity and how to unlearn it as it greatly affects aros. I also collaborated with a fellow aro on developing a webinar on aromantic competent care for mental health care providers! We hosted the webinar and have now made a recording in the hopes that it can inform care providers on how to better interact with aromantic clients. I’m not sure what’s next on my list, but I definitely want to continue being involved in education about aro topics.  

I’m curious to see what else I will learn from this community and am looking forward to seeing information on aromanticism in formal educational settings as well.

Pride and Solidarity (Carnival of Aros, June 2021)

Average reading time: 3-4 minutes
Word count: 757
Content warning: mention of queerphobia and Orlando Pulse shooting

It’s time for Pride again! Time sure does keep on moving, doesn’t it? This month’s Carnival of Aros theme is on Pride & Solidarity.

I don’t often celebrate Pride in a big way. I greatly enjoy seeing the arts and crafts and Pride gear that people make. There are so many talented people out there! I also don’t have much Pride gear, but I did get these cool custom stickers this year of my different identities! The top one has the aro, cassgender, and greypansexual flags and the bottom one is the aroqueer flag.

Image Description:
Top image: A sticker of the aro flag with the cassgender flag as a circle in the middle and the greypansexual flag in the shape of a heart.
Bottom image: A sticker of the aroqueer flag.

Sometimes I’ll go watch a parade, but not much more besides that. I often feel like I’m there as a supporter rather than a participant. I am queer. I should feel like Pride is for me too. However, I generally don’t feel like aros have a space in Pride, especially for in-person events. There aren’t any in-person aro communities anywhere near me, so this complicates things. There has been an increase of online Pride events for aros, which is exciting. But that can feel isolated and in a bubble. I want people to see aromantics out and about with a loud “I’m here and I’m queer.” I’d love to see aros having a prominent spot during a Pride event in-person, such as during a parade. How amazing that would be! For now, I take joy in seeing pictures of aro (and ace) groups that partake in Pride parades. Maybe that’ll happen someday near to where I live. Maybe that’s something I’ll have to make happen hahaha.

The lack of visibility is something I’m regularly aware of, but this is especially salient during Pride month. I’m forced to think on how much farther we have to go. Admittedly, I have to remind myself to also reflect on the positives- there IS growing visibility and awareness. I’m also forced to reflect on how much more progress needs to be made for the larger LGBTQ+ community. Every 12^th of June, I feel the heaviness of queerphobia as I remember the Orlando Pulse shooting victims. I used to go to Pulse, especially on Latin nights. I no longer live in Florida, but I still feel the pain as if I were still there… Our needs can differ from the needs of other queer communities (although we can’t ignore intersections of multiple queer identities within the aro community), but ultimately, we all need to support each other. Otherwise, we’re doing the job of the queerphobic cis-hetero-allonormativity system for it. Some issues may seem relevant for certain groups at first, but these larger systems impact all of us, albeit to varying degrees. Divide and conquer is a basic strategy for dominant groups, so we need to band together if we want to progress. I believe that the fate of the aro community is bound with the fate of the LGBTQ+ community and vice versa. While I love our aro community and culture and groups, we also should be careful with not becoming too insular. Pride is always a good time to reflect on this solidarity and to remember that we do have shared causes while also respecting our differences!

Something that I’d appreciate from the larger LGBTQ+ community is moving away from respectability or assimilationist politics. I understand the urge to show mainstream society “we’re just like you!” in order to claim our humanity and gain recognition. But this hurts so many at the end. What happens to those who aren’t able to or don’t want to assimilate or conform? Homonormativity can also be oppressive at the end of the day. I think building bridges based on shared humanity can be a powerful tool to garner support and find allies, but at what cost?  

Aros, I think we need to be careful with potentially being bitter towards alloromantic queers. I get it. I want to abolish romance. I’m romance-tired and can be romance-averse at times. But we’ll isolate ourselves from parts of the LGBTQ+ community if we demean romance and alloromantics. Instead, we need to remember that amatonormativity is the real culprit. And it hurts all of us. Aros and allos alike. Rather than turning on fellow queers, we need to turn our frustrations to larger systems. It’s amatonormativity that we need to abolish.  

As we are returning to “normal” (whatever that may be), I have hopes for there being more aro representation in Pride and look forward to seeing how this grows! Maybe sometime in the near future, I can walk with fellow aros in a Pride parade.

Cross-posted on tumblr.

Intersectionality and Inclusivity: Round-up (Carnival of Aros, March 2021)

Reading time: 3-4 minutes
Word count: 741

I would like to thank everyone who participated in the March 2021 Carnival of Aros on the theme of Intersectionality and Inclusivity. I am grateful and humbled that people took the time to share their thoughts and experiences. I learned a lot by reading about their experiences, and I hope the rest of the community can be made better by these. Below is the list of submissions.

• aroaceingit (she/they) wrote about how her aromanticism intersects with her disabilities and how this can make it hard to function. They express, “it’s also very hard for me to picture any future that doesn’t have me feeling and functioning the way I do now. And for that reason, I am afraid to be alone.”  

• Isaac (he) at Mundo Heterogéneo discusses a couple of intersectionalities, such as cultural background, gender identity, and relationship cardinality. He ends with expressing, “What I expect from a community about its intersections is to follow the Latin proverb “primum non nocere,” first not to harm.”   

• Temple Dragon (they/them) wrote about disability inclusion. They describe ways in which we can improve accessibility and better include those with disabilities. As a call to action, they ask us to “Please keep access features that became widespread during the pandemic going after it’s subsided, and continue to End Ableism.” 

• Jason W./DerelictSpectre (he/him) shared his experiences in the aro community, specifically that of being Black (and South Asian). He ends with imploring “all nonblack aros and even other members of the LGBTQ+ community to educate themselves on black history, and remember to listen, uplift, support, and protect your fellow black members of the LGBTQ+ community.” 

• Mesotablar the Apathetic Echidna (she/her) discusses how US culture has been dominating aromantic spaces and how this can affect how content and resources are shaped. She leaves us with some good questions: “What of the people making discoveries now? people from countries where the framework is not yet established? Will they see these resources as International or American?“ 

• bedlaminthebigtop Part 1 writes about how essential intersectionality is, how POC are an integral part of the community, and that we need to stop conflating the aromantic community with being Western and White. “To all white aro people/organisations: Stop upholding whiteness as the default. That’s not a real default, that’s all you. It’s manufactured. It’s white supremacist. Stop making your activism and your resources and your education and your teams white-centric. Stop assuming that the community is white. Stop conceptualising the target audience of aromantic community resources as white. Your whiteness is not universal.” 

• bedlaminthebigtop Part 2 details how amatonormativity intersects with white supremacy, specifically with regards to selective prohibition vs. promotion of marriage. The numerous ways marriage and amatonormativity are used as a white supremacist tool of oppression and coercion is discussed. “Marriage is, historically and contemporarily, a way to force BIPOC and LGBTQIA+ folks to assimilate into white bourgeois norms of monogamy and gender roles. So go on, keep fucking pretending that intersectionality is optional and marriage will save the LGBTQIA+ community.” As a last point, the absolute necessity of intersectionality is stressed.

• I (graces-of-luck; she/ey) wrote about how my Latine heritage intersects with my aromanticism and express how the dominant Whiteness in the aromantic community has affected the development of my aromantic identity. “It’s been a process for me to discover what a Latine version of my aromanticism would be. I don’t know yet what that is, to be honest.”  I hope for more dialogue on intimacy and relationships that are culturally diverse and for more stories from Latine aros. 

• CharCharChar (they/them) discussed how they are approaching making their local ace and aro group more inclusive and what concrete steps White people can take to do this. They provide some helpful resources and concludes with “Do the thing. Listen. Ask for help. Keep trying.”

• Violet (she/they) wrote about how the pandemic has given her a lot of time to think, in which she questioned not only her gender but her political beliefs. They expressed the importance of solidarity and ended with “It’s time to stop letting our ignorance divide us.“

While there is much room for improvement, I’m inspired by the possibilities of making our aromantic community more inclusive, of lifting each other up as we experience multiple identities, and expanding the meaning and experience of what it is to be aromantic.

April’s Carnival of Aros will be hosted by Constance Bougie. The call for submissions can be found on his/their blog.

What is my aro latinidad (Carnival of Aros, March 2021)

Average reading time: 6-7 minutes
Word count: 1324

I’m hosting Carnival of Aros this month (call for submissions can be found here) with the theme of intersectionality and inclusivity, and I figured I’d write a bit about my thoughts and experiences related to this. 

There is no denying that the aromantic community is marginalized. We are small, often not acknowledged or recognized, pushed aside…This feeling is something I recognize as an experience of another aspect of my identity. A lot of people experience this multiple marginalization. Our different identities intersect and mingle and can sometimes create complicated, messy, entangled stories of ourselves. To compartmentalize these is to deny ourselves the expression of our whole selves. This is why I find intersectionality so important. 

It makes sense that the aromantic community focuses on aromanticism. But we cannot deny that there can be many different ways to experience aromanticism. We engage in community and activism for several reasons: finding connection, having a place to be ourselves, increasing visibility, creating resources, and so forth. But I think an important reason for activism is to liberate ourselves. But we cannot liberate ourselves if we don’t include those who are marginalized for other reasons. It’s all of us or none of us. We may one day be able to “expand” the system to include us aromantics, but if we neglect those of us who are marginalized in other ways, it will be a false and tenuous freedom. It will become “alright, you’re allowed to be aromantic and we accept you, but only within this boundary.” This is the problem that I see with mainstream LGBTQ+ respectability politics. We complain about how “love is love” leaves us out… but we may be doing the same to our fellow aros if we don’t take diversity and intersectionality into account in our own community.

As I learn more about myself, the more realize how many times over I am a minority. But I will focus on one aspect of myself that I think receives little attention in the aromantic community. I am Latine. Specifically, I am a Latine immigrant, which influences how I experience my latinidad (and whether I am allowed to experience and express it).

Latine culture can have a rather strict view on marriage and children (especially in more conservative/religious populations). Getting married and having children is just something you do. It’s a duty. Depending on how strict it is, romance and attraction can be considered secondary (although I do see that changing). In a way, there is no romantic (or sexual) orientation because it doesn’t matter. Gay? Lesbian? Bi? Pan? Aro? Doesn’t matter, you still get married to someone of the “opposite” sex and have children. You might be queer, but it’s not something you do or act on. When I was a minor, dating was strictly prohibited in my household. The parents of my Latine peers were also often rather strict about dating, especially with girls. After I became an adult, my parents started pressuring me into dating but with the express purpose of getting married, not necessarily for “finding the love of my life” or for the purpose of romance. Saying things like “I’m not interested in dating or in romantic relationships” were often met with looks of “alright, and…?” Saying “I don’t want to get married and have kids” is what caught their attention.

I grew up with my parents telling me that family is the most important thing because you can’t rely on friends. “When you get older, your husband is going to be the only person you trust, and you can’t ever let friends interfere in that.” Now, an important detail. We are religious cult survivors. So it’s difficult for me to disentangle how much of this is due to distrust from trauma and being programmed (cults often program you to be insular and cut others out) and how much of it is due to amatonormativity and the cultural view on marriage. We are also immigrants, and marriage is often seen as a necessary (financial) safety net, so that could be a factor there too.

With all this, I find it difficult to come out to my family, not only because of potential backlash, but because… how do I even explain to them what a romantic orientation is? They’re aware that there are gay people, for instance, but to them that’s not an orientation. They would have to understand that 1) it is possible to be something other than straight, 2) it’s not a “lifestyle choice”, and 3) not being straight is not a consequence of trauma or abuse or mental illness. So I find often that coming out guidelines don’t really work for me because of this. Coming out as aromantic is already difficult because explaining aromanticism can be an ordeal in and of itself. In my case, I would have to start from the very beginning. Not to mention that the process and expectations of coming out are in some ways dominated by Whiteness.

One thing that was complicated in my aromantic journey is the differences in intimacy in Latine culture and in American culture, where I primarily grew up. For example, physical intimacy and affection are much more common and prevalent amongst family members and friends in Latine culture. In America, this is often reserved for romantic relationships. I am a physically affectionate person. Living in the US, you can guess the issues this brought. There has been growing acceptance of physical affection in friendship in American society, but it is frustrating to see how physical affection and other forms of intimacy are often considered romantic. This occurs even in the aromantic community sometimes, although much less so and I would say there is much more understanding that various forms of intimacy can occur in friendship. But it is sometimes odd for me when something I’d consider typical intimacy in friendship, such as physical intimacy, gets potentially labeled as sensual attraction. It would be great to see discussions on intimacy and relationships across cultures.

Also, as is in many areas, Latines and Hispanics tend to be left out or thrown in later as an afterthought. There is increasing recognition for the need of diversity in terms of racial and ethnic groups. Latines don’t always fit in neatly with PoC, so I wonder, where do I fit in? That same question arises when I see “aros of color” or “aro poc”… I’m a mix of things, but I am whitepassing (and therefore have White privilege). Let’s not forget the colonial and anti-Indigenous prejudices that have completely divorced me of my Indigenous heritage (greatly self-inflicted in my family). So I’m unsure if I can claim the aro of color label. But I also don’t completely fit into the typical White mold of the US or Western Europe, which are often considered the symbols of Whiteness. Nonetheless, because of living in the US and now Western Europe, their ideas of intimacy, relationships, and romance have been inflicted upon me as well. There is this feeling that aromantic community is largely White (at least the part of it that has garnered most attention), so the development of my aromantic identity has been shaped by this Whiteness. And it’s been a process for me to discover what a Latine version of my aromanticism would be. I don’t know yet what that is, to be honest. Latine culture can be diverse, and my version of latinidad is also complicated by the fact that I am a lifelong immigrant. Too American for Latin America, too Latine for America (funnily enough, my Latine identity is basically non-existent in Europe, I’m often just seen as American). Still, I would like to see more stories from Latine aros. I want to hear about what aromanticism means to Latines and how other Latines navigate coming out in their families. It seems that maybe there aren’t many Latine aros out there, but having more representation, while just a first step, would be so meaningful.

Intersectionality and Inclusivity: Call for Submissions (Carnival of Aros, March 2021)

Average reading time: 4-5 minutes
Word count: 942

The Carnival of Aros is a monthly blogging carnival with themes related to aromantic and aro-spec identities and experiences. More information can be found here.

Theme/Prompts

This month’s theme is on intersectionality and inclusivity within the aromantic community. You are welcome to use the prompts below, but feel free to take this in whatever direction you feel necessary.

Prompts below:

A Google Docs version is available for better readability here.

As aromantics, we can be marginalized. Thanks to the efforts of many in the aromantic community, activism has been increasing visibility and awareness of aromanticism and pushing towards community building and organization. However, we can also have other marginalized identities that intersect with our aromanticism or influence the way we experience it. “We do not live single issue lives,” as Audre Lord put it. The past year, aro(ace) organizations have released statements regarding racism and diversity, signaling an increasing awareness of tackling racial justice in aromantic spaces, but it is just the beginning. Additionally, there are other marginalized groups that need to be included when discussing diversity. An intersectional standpoint is therefore necessary for reaching collective justice and creating a community that is for all of us. 

Should there be space for intersectionality and social/collective justice in aromantic organizations and communities? What are the experiences of aromantics who experience marginalization in other areas of their lives, and how can we make sure that everyone has a space in the aromantic community?

General

• Do you feel that other marginalized identities are sufficiently represented/uplifted by the aromantic community and organizations? What has been your experience? What could be improved?
• Do you think aromantic organizations and communities should be held accountable for being inclusive of other identities? Do you think aromantic organizations and communities have a responsibility to upholding social justice in the aromantic community? What could be done better here?

Race/Ethnicity and Culture

• Aromanticism and asexuality are often seen as “White” identities, and generally BIPOC* and/or Hispanic/Latine* people do not always feel welcome in queer/LGBTQIA+ spaces. If you are BIPOC, AAPI, and/or Hispanic/Latine, do you feel comfortable and/or welcomed in aromantic spaces? What are your experiences in the aromantic community? Do you feel that there is space for you to express your aromantic identity in a way that reflects your racial/ethnic background?
• The aromantic community can also be US-centric and Westernized. For those who are outside of the US or within the US but have non-Western backgrounds, do you feel there is a space for non-Western cultures and heritages in aromantic spaces? What about for religions that are not Christianity? What are your experiences? Do you feel that there is space for you to express your aromantic identity in a way that reflects your culture/heritage and/or religion?

Neurodivergence, Disability, and Physical and Mental Illness

• Many aromantics are also neurodivergent, disabled, and/or experience mental and physical illnesses. If you are neurodivergent and/or disabled and/or experience mental and physical illness, do you feel comfortable and/or welcomed in aromantic spaces? What are your experiences? Do you feel that there is space for you to express your aromantic identity in a way that reflects your lived experience as a neurodivergent/disabled/”ill”** person?

Other Queer Identities

• Do you identify with other non-arospec queer identities (sexual/romantic orientation and gender) in addition to aromantic? Do you feel comfortable and/or welcomed in aromantic spaces? Do you feel that there is space for you to discuss and share how your other queer identities impacts your aromanticism?

General Intersectionality

• How do your different identities intersect? Are there other marginalized groups or identities that intersect with your aromanticism that are not recognized? How does this influence your experience?

Allies

• If you don’t experience other forms of marginalization, do you find it important to uplift voices of aromantics from other marginalized groups? How can you help to make the aromantic community more inclusive to your fellow aromantics who experience other forms of marginalization?

Notes:

*BIPOC means Black, Indigenous, and People of Color and can encompass a wide group of Indigenous, Black, and Brown folks as well as Asian (AAPI) peoples. BIPOC is not to say that all marginalized people of color share the same experiences or that they can be lumped together, however. I’ve separated Hispanic/Latine because some Hispanic/Latine people are White or White-passing, but they do not necessarily share the same privilege as White Americans or White Europeans, for example.

**I use ill with quotation marks here because illness, especially mental illness, can be socially constructed and people can have different relationships with the term- some embrace it and use the label whereas others do not.

How to Participate

Write a blog post or create content related to the theme- any platform is acceptable as long as it is public and has a link. 

Then, submit the link to me through Tumblr, Discord (gracesofluck#9245), or email (gracesofluck@gmail.com). You’re also welcome to post the link in this thread on Arocalypse. 

If you don’t have a place to post your own work, you can email it to me or submit it directly to my Tumblr, and I will host it for you on my Tumblr. 

If you would like me to include particular pronouns or (user)names with your submission post in the round-up, please let me know.

Deadline and Round-up

Please submit your posts by Wednesday, March 31st. I plan to release the round-up on Thursday, April 1st.

Additionally, AUREA will be taking points from this Carnival of Aros to learn more about the experiences and needs of marginalized aros as they mention in this month’s What’s Going On.

Feel free to reblog this post. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me! Happy blogging!